


What is Happiness?

by dracospungen



Category: Sherlock - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, POV Sherlock Holmes, keeping it pretty canon, what Sherlock thought throughout the series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 15:04:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9767363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dracospungen/pseuds/dracospungen
Summary: They’d just come in after their first chase together, and John had even forgotten about his leg when they started giggling all of a sudden. Sherlock hadn’t felt like this for so many years, not that he hadn’t felt the excitement of a case because that, that he had. This was different, this was happiness, and he hadn’t felt this for so long, way back when he was still that naive little kid and thought he’d made his new first friend. Of course he was wrong, he should’ve known. But it was different this time, this time it felt right, so utterly right he wasn’t even afraid of it being shattered right there in front of him, no, he felt confident and happy, genuinely happy, so why did it hurt when they stopped?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Another Johnlock ficlet I wrote sometime around 2014-15.

They’d just come in after their first chase together, and John had even forgotten about his leg when they started giggling all of a sudden. Sherlock hadn’t felt like this for so many years, not that he hadn’t felt the excitement of a case because that, that he had. This was different, this was happiness, and he hadn’t felt this for so long, way back when he was still that naive little kid and thought he’d made his new first friend. Of course he was wrong, he should’ve known. But it was different this time, this time it felt right, so utterly right he wasn’t even afraid of it being shattered right there in front of him, no, he felt confident and happy, genuinely happy, so why did it hurt when they stopped?  
Why did it hurt that John turned his back at him. Sherlock never expected more, this was by far better than anything he could ever have dreamt of, and yet it hurt? Did he want more? Of course he wanted more, he’d wanted John’s hands tracing down his jawline, he wanted John’s eyes fixed on his. Why did he want this? Sherlock had never wanted anything like this? Sentiment destroys you, weakens you, and yet, yet he found himself wanting, getting disappointed when John ended their moment. Stupid. Oh, so stupid. Sherlock knew, of course, how could he have let such a thought into his mind? Where did it come from? It must be deleted. It’s illogical and naive. John only likes women, he’d known from the moment he saw him, John only wanted women. And Sherlock? Sherlock didn’t feel things that way, at least he didn’t think so. Sherlock let the smile fade and promised himself never to think of it again.  
It didn’t happen too often, there were moments when his mind reminded him of the importance of John Watson. Because he was important now, there were an us, and it felt good, it felt great, it felt right.When they’d met Moriarty for the first time, that had felt special.  
“I’m glad no one saw that”  
“Hm?” He had answered stupidly.  
“You ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk.”  
“People do little else.”Sherlock had hoped that John had caught the subtext of his sentence, the real subtext, but John had laughed at that, and them laughing together was good enough, better than he would ever have expected.  
But then that happened. The big event, the big day. John’s big day, and Sherlock being his best man, and his best friend. Friend. It was a nice word. Sherlock hadn’t had any friends before, or to be more exact, no one had ever wanted to think of themselves as friends of Sherlock’s. It was really nice, almost sweet, touching. Sherlock, for the first time hearing someone say the words _“of course you’re my best friend”_ , so why did it upset him? Why did he feel so unsettled? He thought it was the part were one seem so human, so, normal, the part where one gets closer and closer to the so known sentiment, where one gets weak and vulnerable. But somewhere Sherlock knew the truth behind it, it wasn’t that it was sentiment, it wasn’t because he was on the losing side anymore. John meant everything to him, how could anything with John be on the losing side? No, it wasn’t that. It was the word “friend” that unsettled him. Friend. John getting married. Married to a women. His wife. Not his best friend. But what could he do? It was John’s life, and he’d already caused John too much damage, too much pain, John needed, deserved happiness and he needed the normal life he’d always wanted and he needed the women he’d searched so eagerly after. It wasn’t the pain from the bullet that hurt Sherlock most, it was the fact that John’s chosen, his ordinary women was no longer ordinary. Of course he should have been able to figure it out before it happened. It had starred him right in the eyes from the very beginning, he, again, was the reason to John’s pain. If he hadn’t come back, if he’d just stayed dead, John would still be happy? No, Magnussen. He was the threat and needed to get out of the way of John’s happiness. So was it really such a surprise that Sherlock had to shoot him? He was the only one left to conquer John’s happiness, and this even meant that Sherlock would leave, leave the happy couple for real this time, letting them live their normal happy life, putting their past behind them and embracing what was a head of them. A family, a proper family. Wife and husband, and even a baby. And they were perfect, just like he’d told them, they would do so very well, and their kid would be lovely and not even remotely so annoying and ignorant as he, himself in fact was.  
He reflected back, back to the stag night - which was probably as close as he’d ever get to John. Them laying on the stairs, their bodies touching from head to toe. Sherlock had never been fond of touching but it had been different, felt different with John. He felt secure with John, he felt happy and so very right. He remembered John leaning on his knee and his own arm around John’s shoulders as Tessa sat there telling them about that mayfly man. Oh dear was he jealous of that Sholto, John dancing around him like a puppy. He’d wanted John to do that around him forever, and he did, sometimes, but he’d wanted John to see him, and only him, Sherlock Holmes. Two people at a stake felt difficult but it shouldn’t have been, he wasn’t involved this time. It was John Watson, what else could he have done? Of course he would be his best man if the question was asked, of course he would be holding a speech.  
When Mycroft called him about Moriarty coming back he’d felt somewhat relieved that he’d never actually said it. To John. ‘It’ being spoken out loud in words would mean things would’ve changed between the two of them.  
“John, there’s something I should say, I-I’ve meant to say and then never have. Since it’s unlikely we’ll ever meet again. I might as well say it now.”  
_…I’ve loved you. I’ve loved you so much and you meant the world to me, I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for you. John Watson you keep me right, and you know it. I’ve fallen for you and I know it’s useless, you got Mary and I’m so happy for you, I truly am, and I’m sorry if my emotions will make you uncomfortable, and I do not want anything back, but just hear me out, because I need to tell you this before I go. I fell for you the moment you shot the cabbie back when we first met, and I’ve fallen for you everyday ever since. I am a ridiculous man and I’m not right for you, and you know that, but I won’t ever be ashamed of having fallen for you, because nothing with you could ever be wrong. You’re the light in the darkness. I never meant what I said when I told you that you’re not the most luminous of people, because you are, you’re shining and you’re glowing and I’m sorry that I hurt you, because you deserve the best John Watson… ___  
“Sherlock is actually a girls name.”  
John had giggled, Sherlock knew that he would find it funny. John wasn’t the first one to take serious conversations uneasily, it was better this way, so Sherlock could see John’s smile for the very last time. A brief picture as he would lift and slowly fade away.  
“To the very best of times, John.”  
He really had thought it was the end, the final end of their beautiful relationship. But it wasn’t was it? He was going to see John again, being able to tell him not to grow a beard or a moustache again. To laugh and to solve crimes with him. To feel the warmth of his compliments and fascination as he deduced and solved a crime. But also, it would be different. He would need to stand living alone beside his John, no, John wasn’t his, he was Mary’s and Mary was John’s, he would have to be able to handle being around them, but he would, wouldn’t he? It hasn’t been a problem so far? Because John’s happiness was what kept him right, John’s smile and John’s laugh. He could die for it, he could live for it. It would be okay, he would see John and he would do anything to let John keep his happiness, and he would get rid of ‘Moriarty’ so that John could be safe, and so that Mary could be safe. Mary needed to be safe in order for John to stay happy. This was his task, this was his place in life, and even if the emotions sometimes got the better of him, this was where he belonged. It didn’t matter if John chose him or Mary, he could stay by John’s side, and he would, as long as John let him.  
_“I will never let you down John Watson.”_


End file.
